Five Patterns That Keep Showing Up When People Are Close to Real Change
And How to Interrupt Them

After nearly two decades of coaching thoughtful, capable, self-aware people, I’ve noticed something consistent.
Most people don’t stall because they lack insight.

They stall because a deeper system hasn’t caught up yet.

Again and again, the same five patterns appear right at the edge of meaningful change. Not as flaws. Not as failures. As signals.

If you recognize one of these, that’s not a problem.
It’s leverage.

Below are the patterns, why it’s worth changing them, and the simplest ways to interrupt them.

1. State Dysregulation
High awareness, low nervous-system control
You know what to do. You’ve had the insight. You can explain the pattern clearly.
And under pressure, the body takes over.

Why it’s worth changing:
Because insight you can’t access under stress doesn’t actually change your life.
Regulation is what allows your best thinking, values, and intentions to show up when it matters.

Three ways to interrupt this pattern:
Stop trying to calm down and instead practice staying present while activated. Regulation is built inside discomfort, not after it passes.
Slow the body before you speed up the mind. Breath, posture, and pacing first. Thinking comes second.
Notice the earliest physical signs of activation and intervene there, not after you’ve already reacted.

2. Identity Lag
Your self-image hasn’t caught up to who you’re becoming
Your behavior snaps back even though you want something different.
Not because you’re sabotaging yourself, but because part of you is still organized around an older identity.

Why it’s worth changing:
Because effort feels exhausting when identity hasn’t updated.
When identity leads, consistency becomes natural instead of forced.

Three ways to interrupt this pattern:
Name the old identity that’s still running automatically. You can’t update what you won’t acknowledge.
Define who you are now in present tense language, not aspirational language.
Practice small behaviors that reinforce the new identity daily. Identity changes through repetition, not declaration.

3. Validation Hunger
Quiet outsourcing of worth, safety, or confidence
This doesn’t look like obvious insecurity. It looks like subtle dependence on outcomes, reactions, or approval to feel settled.
When things go well, you’re steady.
When they don’t, you wobble.

Why it’s worth changing:
Because externally referenced worth keeps your nervous system reactive.
Internal stability is what allows clean decisions, grounded action, and resilience.

Three ways to interrupt this pattern:
Catch where you’re waiting for permission to feel okay. That pause is the giveaway.
Build self-trust by keeping small promises to yourself consistently.
Practice letting results inform you, not define you. Feedback is data, not identity.

4. Avoidant Intelligence
Smart enough to delay discomfort
You understand quickly. You can name the belief, explain the wound, reference the framework.
And when it’s time to act, expose, or risk, something stalls.
The mind stays busy so the body doesn’t have to enter uncertainty.

Why it’s worth changing:
Because growth that stays conceptual never becomes embodied.
Movement only returns when discomfort is faced, not explained.

Three ways to interrupt this pattern:
Notice when thinking replaces feeling. That’s the moment avoidance starts.
Remove the option to “figure it out” before acting. Action creates clarity, not the other way around.
Choose one small, uncomfortable action and do it immediately, before the mind builds a case.

5. Disconnection from Embodied Purpose
Purpose understood mentally, not felt physically
You know your why. You can articulate it beautifully.
But your body doesn’t move with it.
Purpose becomes pressure instead of fuel.

Why it’s worth changing:
Because purpose that isn’t embodied becomes another should.
When purpose is felt, action becomes self-propelling.

Three ways to interrupt this pattern:
Stop asking what makes sense and ask what feels alive. The body recognizes truth faster than the mind.
Track energy instead of motivation. Energy is a better compass.
Let purpose guide direction, not timing. Small movement restores connection.

—
None of these patterns mean something is wrong with you.
They usually show up when you’re close to change that actually matters.
The mistake is trying to solve them with more thinking.
Awareness opens the door.
Regulation, identity, and embodiment are what let you walk through it.

-Russ Kyle